External and Internal Critics of a Parent

"Your child just needs more attention!"

"Oh, you've spoiled them! You need to be stricter."

"She’s just poorly raised. I talk to my daughter, and she knows how to behave."

A parent of an explosive child often finds themselves caught between multiple fires.

On one hand, the child may behave terribly—screaming, fighting, or lashing out, often directing their anger at the parent. It's so hard to be that container for all acting out! A lot of times it feels like domestic violence but directed from child to parent.

On the other hand, at kindergarten or school, the child often faces difficulties that are blamed on poor upbringing or family issues. An irritable, explosive child is a problem for teachers. Once labeled this way, such children often become scapegoats, even when they aren’t the ones at fault. The standard approach to disciplining these children is punishment, suspensions, reprimands, or calling the parent to school. The parent is in a tough position here. They need to help the child learn good manners but they also need to be on the child's side and protect them.

Beyond educational institutions, there are relatives and friends, each with their own advice. Some say you should be gentler and accept the child as they are. Others insist on being stricter (oh, how often grandparents blame parents for all the difficulties!). You are always the one responsible for everything!

And finally, the voice of the Inner Critic adds fuel to the fire:

- What kind of mother am I, raising my voice at my child?

- should have been more composed.

- I need to be stricter.

- I have to stop complaining and start trying harder.

- It’s all because I’m a terrible mother!

- Good parents have well-behaved children!

- I'm sure you can easily add to this list!

So much judgement and criticism, from everywhere!

But wait a minute and let's dig a bit deeper. What if external voices get louder when they align with the voice of the Inner Critic?

If that's the case, what can you do? Well, who else will protect you if not yourself? One way to do that is to become that loving and caring parent to yourself—one who accepts and supports you, no matter what.

As an example of how it can work, let's try to rephrase one of the messages from the Critic into a new perspective.

The Critic says: "What kind of mother am I, raising my voice at my child?"

A caring, loving parent would probably say: "My dear, you’re so tired today. I know you want to speak calmly to your child. Let’s think together about what triggered you. Maybe you had a headache? Or maybe you haven’t had time for yourself lately? We need to find a way to meet your needs, so it’ll be easier for you to support your child."

Do you want to rewrite your own Critic's messages, too?