Do You Give in to Your Explosive Child?

Let’s imagine a scenario: your child wants another sweet treat, but you know they’ve already had enough. You gently say no—then BAM! They start screaming, pushing, throwing things, and so on.

This situation is all too common with children diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, cPTSD, FASD, and other conditions.

Many parents would be happy to suggest alternatives or negotiate if the child spoke politely. However, when the behaviour turns aggressive, it becomes incredibly challenging because of the dilemma: if you give in, you reinforce the negative behaviour, but if you stand firm, the meltdown drags on without seemingly teaching the child anything.

One reason for the screaming, cursing, hitting, and throwing in these moments is that the child may already expect that you won’t do what they want. They don’t realise that their outburst actually makes you more determined to stand your ground and not cooperate. We want to gradually teach them to manage their emotional reactions in a way that allows for constructive conversation.

Another factor is that, for many children, negative interactions can be stimulating in themselves. Thus, it’s important not to give too much attention to their undesirable behaviour.

It’s also crucial to understand that trying to reason with them during a full-blown meltdown is often futile. Their brain is in overdrive, and they’re not in a state to listen. It’s usually better to delay the conversation until they’re calmer and more receptive.

Our children are often sensitive to rejection, so it’s vital to set boundaries without making them feel rejected.

So, we need to balance different approaches in our response: setting boundaries, showing acceptance, and considering how they process experiences.

There’s no one-size-fits-all strategy, but you can try this.

In the Moment of Dysregulation:

• Focus on regulating yourself first.

• Avoid "feeding" negative behaviour with your reactions. Don’t explain, reason, or argue; there’s “no one home” during these moments.

• Insist on continuing the conversation only when it’s calm. You might take a time-out yourself, saying something like, “You know what, I love you, and you’re a great kid. I can see that you really want this, and I understand how hard it is for you to discuss it calmly right now. I can’t think or act when someone is screaming at me because I get upset too. I’m going to take a walk to calm down, and then when we’re both ready, we can sit and discuss this calmly.”

When the Child Has Calmed Down:

• Praise them for making the effort to regulate themselves.

• Discuss what they wanted to talk about. Perhaps you can find a compromise or at least something to lift their spirits if they can’t get what they want.

• Talk about the impact of their screaming on your decision to give them what they want. If they struggle to listen or understand, visual aids like social stories can help.

After the Crisis Has Passed:

• Reflect on when these tantrums occur most frequently. They might be related to hunger, thirst, medication wearing off, transitions, etc.

• Try to plan strategies in advance for handling similar situations in the future.

Let me know if this was helpful. Do you thing this could work for your child?